life_happens25 (life_happens25) wrote in sobriety,

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Bad day.

Sorry it’s been a bit. I have my ups and downs. I haven’t been very motivated as of late. Two reasons why: My back and my stress level.
My back is where the pills started. I have a herniated disc and pinched nerve. Sometimes, it goes away. However, in my case it will never go away fully. I have degenerate disc disease, which means my back is aging faster than the rest of me. I can count on getting more in the future as well. I love to play soccer. Well, I did. It happen when I was playing for a junior college I went to. I haven’t been able to really play since. I work out to make myself feel better, but as of late that has been out.
Sometimes, my disc isn’t that bad. Then, I aggravate it. I keep me up all night. It hurts to do much of anything. Working two jobs doesn’t help either, but I have no choice but to keep going. The searing pain in my spine and legs is horrible. The problem: They always want to give me narcotics. (Vics, Percocet, Valium, ect). It didn’t take long before I had a habit and that was 5 years ago.
My back has been hurting like it did when it first happen at nineteen. It got so bad I had to make a trip to the hospital after work one night. Since I no longer search the streets for pills, I try to get a steroid shot to make it better. However, this time they over looked me being flagged to offer me Percocet. Then, I was offered Valium. I tried to turn it down at first, but the doctor told me it was the only way I’m going to get rid of the pain. They asked me if there was anyone who could monitor how much I’m taking. I said my mom. But, she won’t. I’m good at getting them anyway. I’m a bit fucked on staying clean and that’s all on me.
My stress is terrible. I have so much to pay. I work two jobs that, right now, are not giving me enough. I work almost 40 hours at burger king and then a few days a week at the restaurant. I don’t even know what a day off is. All my money goes to rent and fines. That’s a lie. Sometimes, I spend money at the bar. Also, Three dollar cans of beer a night and a pack of smokes.
I have three DUI’s. In my worst I seem to have a bad habit of crashing cars mad. I’m not proud of it. And, the last one I tried to kill myself. I must have a guardian angel. I should have died a few times. I even overdosed last October. My rock bottom always comes. I’m scared if I keep going I’ll find that hard dirt bottom of the well again.
Abelia has been talking to me a lot more. I told her about it and she asked when the last time I went to a meeting was. Then, suggested I go back to one. She says she believes in me. The truth is I need to believe in me. Well, I have work.

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